Happy Sunday Reader,

Well we got home a few days ago, and I've spent most of the time since in bed. The overnight in the Chicago airport along with travel in general took a lot out of me. We also came home with a bit of a cold so that led to an extra, unexpected day of rest. Plus I'm getting my period so throw that in the mix and... my bed is a good place to be.

But I do not feel at ease. I feel torn. Incredibly torn. I'm happy to be home. I missed my house, my kitchen, my bed, my cat. I missed the grocery store with just the right items to properly manage my many food restrictions. I missed my boyfriend, my friends, my life.

But now I miss Costa Rica. This has been the tug-of-war I've experienced my whole life. Ontario on one side, Costa Rica on the other.... Mom on one side, Dad on the other. These two opposing forces in my life, so different and yet together they make me who I am.

I've been open with you this past week about the lack of fatherly-ness from my dad. The thing is, I didn't get a whole lot of motherly-ness from my mother either. I was one of those kids raising themselves, the load of which always felt heavy in Ontario, but light in Costa Rica.

Returning home this week, that load has settled back upon me and it has most definitely felt like the burden it is.

My mother is a difficult woman, with a difficult past common to women and girls. This leads to emotional immaturity, lack of boundaries, co-dependence. I have long been the parent in our parent-child relationship. Now, as she ages and is experiencing significant declines, that dynamic is even more pronounced, particularly with her living next door in the small two bedroom apartment on the side of our house.

Here in Ontario I am responsible for a ton. In Costa Rica, my dad barely pays me attention and as a result, my responsibility to him is pretty darn low. In Costa Rica I feel like I am actually free to be myself, no parental anchor pulling me down.

Feeling that ease the last month, and the juxtaposition of how I feel here, it's triggered some moodiness, a little bit of depression. Feelings I know well. Feelings that have been a defining feature of my life, and my work.

My big moods (which started in childhood) were what led me to mental health work. I studied psychology to try to understand myself. I worked in behavioural classrooms and residences because I had so much compassion for those kids. I understood the desire to yell, to scream, to rage, to shut down.

But it took a LONG time to get the answers I needed. Eventually the PMDD diagnosis came (2018), then ADHD (2021) and then POTS (2022). Obviously C-PTSD is also a fit although not something I've yet addressed with my doctor who, like most others, is under-educated when it comes to mental health.

With my assortment of acronyms, my moods started to make more sense, and it became clearer what accommodations were needed, which tools would make a difference and where/how I needed to take responsibility for myself.

When I went to school to do my masters in counselling, I did so with the intention of helping women, couples and families navigate these big moods so common in women. But, I didn't want to help them in the way you're supposed to as a therapist. I didn't want to ask endless questions and spend years waiting for them to put the dots together themselves.

I wanted to educate. I wanted to give them the guidance I had so desperately needed.

And so, in addition to Writing Therapy, I offer Mental Health Coaching. For women with big moods, irritable women, women who can't keep their cool, women who go to sleep at night berating themselves for their behaviour.

I listen. I validate. I ask questions from a curious, "let's figure this out together" perspective. I provide the information and resources they need to actually change their lives.

And I do so all while acknowledging that being a woman with big feelings is really fucking hard, and I struggle too. There's no state of "healed and done", only an opportunity to get to know ourselves better and treat ourselves kindly, over and over and over again.

If you're a woman with big moods, I got you. I offer private sessions without a big package to commit to ($130CAD/session). You can book weekly, biweekly or as needed, whatever works for you.

Because big moods are tough. I find myself in one right now, and ten years ago I would have spiraled down, making myself and the people around me even more miserable. But now I can see it for what it is, and do what I need to do to feel better: talk about it, write about it, properly hydrate, gently move my body, set boundaries, honour my needs. It's not easy. These aren't things I do without thinking about them. I have to choose them. The magic is, I now know what to choose. I know what I need to feel better. I'm not stuck anymore. And you don't need to be stuck either.

If you'd like to explore doing this work together, the first step is a complimentary 20-minute chat over Zoom to see if we're a good fit. If it feels like we match, we go forward from there.

I'm here to help.

Parrish

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