Or at least, getting there...

Reader, it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm sitting in the Chicago airport. My youngest, who can sleep just about anywhere, is passed out on a cushy bench and I too was cuddled up there the last few hours, but it's too cold and loud for me to fall into slumber. So I figured I'd write. The dark hours always seem to be good writing hours.

Maybe even more so as we are on the cusp of eclipse and full moon energy, the Blood Moon.

For years I've enjoyed the astrological reflections and guidance offered by Mijanou, or Mystic Mama. This week she wrote of this moon...

It does feel fitting for where I find myself this week. I shared vulnerably with you on Sunday about my relationship with my father, his move to Costa Rica when I was a child and his general lack of fatherly-ness. Although I did my best to show up the last few days of our trip with love and compassion, he chose to busy himself with other commitments and watching TV in his office. We saw very little of him, but soaked up the love of his wife and my adopted brother.

Still, I aim for compassion and acceptance, because there is no other way to let go of the expectation that causes my heart to ache.

As the Autism diagnoses pile up in our family, I have come to believe that he likely qualifies too. That maybe his isolation is the challenge of social interaction for many folks on the spectrum. That maybe it's so much easier for him to go play Bridge and head out for dinner with his Bridge partner every Tuesday than adjust his routine to spend time with us. That maybe he really is happier watching TV than sitting around the kitchen table playing a crazy game of cards with his grandsons who don't sit still, spill drinks and bicker about rules.

It doesn't make it ok. It still doesn't feel like love. But maybe I can stop expecting it to be different, in pursuit of my own peace.

My bro and I chatted about this during the trip. He shared, wisely, that although our father isn't the day to day kind of dad we wish we had, he's an excellent person to turn to when life gets tough. He never yells. He's calm and considerate when shit hits the fan. He's smart, and has lived an interesting life. He offers solid guidance when it's needed most.

Throughout this trip, I kept noticing my tendency to try to please the men - my dad, my ex (who joined us for 11 days right in the middle), my boyfriend back home. I noticed that I kept putting them first, before my own needs, my own desires. This is something I have always done, been trained to do as a girl/woman. Something so many of us are trained to do.

And it was these efforts that made the trip less satisfying. We didn't end up going places I wanted to go, didn't visit an old childhood girlfriend I haven't seen in 14 years. I felt frustrated and am leaving with a tinge of disappointment, but I'll take it as a valuable lesson and swim in the deep waters of self-forgiveness.

At the young/old age of 43, I get closer and closer to learning how to put myself first.

And so with this eclipse, I welcome release and transformation. I see what is no longer working, what I don't want anymore, and step forward into a new form of myself. Every trip to Costa Rica offers me great learning, and I take it. I want it. It's a gift I didn't know I needed so much but every time, it gives greatly. For this, I can thank my father.

It's now 3:30 am here in Chicago. My youngest has woken. The airport is waking up too. In a few hours we will fly home to Ottawa, and I'm so excited to crawl into my own bed this afternoon for a cozy nap with my cat. If I'm awake at the time, I may listen to this full moon call hosted by Kiki Keskinen of Witch School Canada. It's a cameras off, quiet restful call in honour of the big moon.

Then on Friday I will rise and greet the day with even greater gratitude for all I've been blessed with - the challenges and the teachings. I will welcome release and transformation.

Forever welcoming release and transformation.

For there is no other way, is there?

See you on the other side,

Parrish

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P.S. I hope you enjoy this peek into my inner workings. As a writer, I can struggle sometimes to know what to share, how much to share and with whom. But I know putting words on the page and sending them out into the world is a practice that soothes my soul like nothing else. So in tending more to my needs, I plan to write like this more often. I hope it soothes something in you too.

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